On when surrendering is not a bad thing

This year was about a looot of introspection. Still going on. It's the year I decided to take the leap of faith and jump inside my own head. I always tell people it's a lot of fun living inside my head, mostly because of all those bad jokes I'm the only persons who laughs at because you know, if you don't believe in your jokes who will? Now seriously, you could never get bored living there. And my jokes are funny. I call them a treat, because they don't happen often and you only receive them as a gift, on holidays, which is twice a year. Still counts doe.

Anyways, on a more serious note (this is what happens if you drink mulled wine while editing a text, I told you is fun living inside my head) one epiphany that struck me was the realisation that all my life I've been surrounded by welfare and plenitude. I had everything anyone could wish for, from understanding and loving parents, the comfort of a home and the warmth of a good dinner to friends and countless blessings. I have never questioned my status quo, nor the circumstances I’ve came across with. They say you acknowledge the importance of something or someone when it’s no longer there. Well, guess what? I’ve never been in that situation. One would say that's luck, but apparently the outcome of this situation is my transformation into a victim. Transformation because I feel I was gradually morphing into a victim worthy of pity. And maybe that’s the reason I felt misjudged by destiny, by life, by whatever, for all the things that were missing and I’ve been deprived of. Allegedly. Hence, all I was doing was blaming everything I was feeling inside on the outside, on the circumstances and people.

And because one thing leads to another in any vicious circle, I was constantly getting bored of things in a matter of instants, always wanting something new, something different. The thrill of novelty always excited me in a sense that was rather counterproductive. A sort of thrill mixed with fear that led to a sense of discontentment that defiled my soul and my mind. I used to long for something only because it was new and promising, but as soon as I got my hands on it, it would lose all meaning. It stopped being new and undiscovered. Now, looking back I wish I had nurtured this skill so that I could actually gain something from it. But all I gained was a perpetual sense of disconnection from what I am, think, feel. A continuous rupture with no continuity, a sort of emptiness I could never name. Never taking a moment to be grateful for what I have and how blessed I am for always encountering kindness in the most unexpected places.

All this time it was about how my expectations were not met, about how I was not being listened to or loved by all that I could not have, while neglecting the love and the understanding I was offered by those I already had. It’s funny how we are creatures of greed and how it’s always about us.

Recently, I listened to a guru speaking about the most selfish one letter word which is no other than ‘I’. About how I want that and demand the other, how I expect to be treated and loved that way and about how we mourn all the things we never had. But why isn't ever about how we treat and love the others ' It's not about what God can do for you, but what can you do for God.' God, Universe, almighty energy surrounding is, name it how you want, the idea is that we never ask ourselves what can we do to be of service to others, instead of constantly being in need of service. He then said finished his speech with a piece of wisdom I find so simple and yet so overlooked, cuz we have this tendency of underrating simplicity.

'When you want respect, people may not give it to you. But if you want to respect, who can stop you?' 'When you want to be loved by someone, people may not love you. But if you want to love them, who can stop you?'.

Cuz after all you are what you love, not what loves you. His words were a welcomed confirmation of a lesson this summer taught me: The only thing you could ever control in this life is you and you only. As long as it happens outside of your body, is outside of your reach and the only thing you can do is deciding how you react to it. You can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4b9j9PK-Fro

But of course, placing the focus and the full responsibility on you is scarier than anything will ever be. When you realise the remote control is in your hand and you can change the channel whenever you want is delirious. But I like to consider myself insane (inside my sanity, grasping it and enjoying every second of it).

Oh, I almost forgot about those 4 steps I told you at the beginning of this rambling. You will be amazed how simple it can be. Thank you for hanging on until here, by the way. You will be treated a very special gift, my jokes.

1. LET
2. THAT
3. SHIT
4. GO.

Simple right? Go ahead, I have my fingers crossed for you.

There’s this song from One Republic I randomly found saying ‘All I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head’. Because everything else will sort itself out eventually. Make room for love, lose the grip, surrender to the flow.