Life’s messy, random, and it doesn’t make sense most of the time. There’s no rule for success, no rule for happiness. No rule for anything. Anyone telling you there is, either have no idea about that or want to box you in a corner and force ideas on you.

Don’t get me wrong, certain habits, mindsets, and beliefs encourage joy. However, they all have their birthplace in our inner wisdom. No timeline, no achievement, no person, no amount of money, or success can do it for you.

Let me tell you a story about my 2019 so far. It took me a while to get to this wisdom.

Before I had a lover, I thought that happiness lays in having a partner. After all, that’s what stories teach us, the girls. Only a male presence can give us purpose. I say, girls, because once we awake the woman inside, nothing is stopping us. And while I had an amazingly active life, I cried soooo much on the inside and outside because I felt so lonely.

One day, something changed. It felt like my prayers have been listened to. I met a guy who promised me the moon. I took it seriously. I was so desperate. I would have believed anything at that point. I put my whole hopes in his promises. I was blindly in love. Or so I thought. I came to realize a while after it was just an obsessive and toxic infatuation.

Eventually, I got hurt. With no warning or reason, he decided to cease any sort of communication with me. My life ended. I felt hallow. I was enraged, I blamed myself. I had lots of mixed feelings. One morning, when I woke up and didn’t see any reason to wake up I decided I need to do something to get out of this hell. So I started a process of rehab — emotional rehab. A purge. I didn’t know at that time that all those tears and suffering would lead me to the greatest time of my life. So, the only thing that made sense was making peace with my single life. Peace meant giving up on believing I’ll ever have someone.

So, in a numb state of mind, I entered 2019 single and jobless with no expectations for the future. I moved back home to clear my mind and figure shit out. I’d think ‘What if I just move back for good, find a good & safe job, meet new people and see what happens. I should give this city a chance.’

After a few months, in very unexpected and kind of a strange turn of events here it came: THE ONE. It felt unreal. It felt strange. Is this happening for real? Is the struggle over? It took me a while to accustom to this new reality.

Now I finally had a nice job, a fairly good paycheck, fun friends around, parents close by and a lover. Everything seemed to have finally fallen into place. I was happy. I felt like I was living the best time of my life. I’d find myself crying again, only this time out of gratitude. I felt so blessed. ‘You really can have it all.’ I’d tell myself. It felt amazing. For some months, I was in Eden, in Arcadia, in Shambala. Magically my prayers have been listened to. I lived around 4 dreamy months. ‘I could get used to this.’ I’d tell myself.

And then it happened. I don’t know why, I don’t know how. The perfect balance that I thought I created, started to shake. Big time.

My friends started to leave the city and the country with various opportunities. I was both happy and sad. ‘Hey, it’s okay. It’s not the first time I have to deal with long-distance friendships.’ I’d tell myself.

So here I was, with a nice job, fairly good pay, parents close by and a lover. Note that he’s also my best friend and my partner in business. He fills all the spots. Could this get any better than this? I’d tell myself. Life was still bright.

Then it happened again. The job that gave me so much security decided to leave as well. The very thing that convinced me to stay home and hustle is gone. Out of nowhere.

So here I was with only parents close by and a boyfriend. I felt like all this time I was living a lie. Life ended for me. I was a mess. Again. I found myself again in the same spot as last year. I couldn’t stop crying again. I thought I felt in a hole nobody could get me out. I just couldn’t see any way out. I lived, what I call now, less than 3 months after, the worst time of my life. I kept asking myself ‘What on Earth in me triggered this? What’s wrong with me? Why do I keep sabotaging my happiness? When will this end?’

While having the only one thing that I thought would bring me ultimate happiness, THE ONE, I was going through the darkest night of the soul and the mind. I couldn’t recognize myself. I thought my anxiety turned into a very chronic depression. I really couldn’t see any point in anything. I was angry, frustrated, triggered, sad. I was tired. I wanted someone to come, hug me, and tell me everything’s alright. I wanted a savior.

Of course, no savior came.

My lover was doing his best to keep up with me. And you can imagine it wasn’t easy for him as we continued to work together. I started to plant the seed of doubt in everything. Not the best environment with me mourning my life. I was bringing him down. I felt guilty for not being able to keep it for myself. I felt shame for not being strong enough. I thought about leaving him so I could fulfill the prophecy of being single for life. I was being a bitch on purpose so he’d just leave. But he stayed. He just wouldn’t leave. I got so mad. Why won’t you just leave me already? Go, leave, disappear. Just like everything I ever loved in my life. Yet, he stayed and loved me the best he could.

That was the moment I realized I’m not in the same spot as last year. That was the moment when I realized I grew up. In the midst of all dispair, of all the things that were overwhelming me I had something to hold on to. Something that I’ve never had ever before. I didn’t have to go through all of this alone anymore. The third time is indeed a charm.

I still haven’t told my parents anything about that period in my life. Not sure I’ll ever do. I made it look like nothing happened. I tried to spend less and less time at home, so I could seem busy. I’d wake up every day as I used to and I’d just ‘leave to work’. Every time they’d ask me how’s work I’d tell them ‘great, we’re doing things, stuff happens.’ I’d avoid answering them. I didn’t want to cry in front of them.

They figured out something was off. My dad would find random reasons to give me money, knowing I’d never ask:

-Hey, I got some extra money yesterday, take them and go have some fun with Filip. You deserve it.

-Noo, it’s okay. I have enough. Thank you!

-I insist I don’t have anything to do with them. Take them, they’re yours.

-Sure?

-Sure.

And he would kiss my forehead telling me he loves me. My dad told me he loves me. That hardly ever happened. I cried inside feeling so blessed to have such parents. They somehow knew I’m struggling, yet they had patience with me.

How do you know you are or are not living what you’ve prayed for? How can you be grateful when life’s falling apart? The need to be right, the shame of failure, the fear of not living life to the fullest — all of these brought me down.

Looking to answer these questions, I realized that I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’m working on a great project, have an amazingly awesome lover and kind, supportive parents. Things do fall back into place at some point. Maybe not in the way you imagine, but they do. Have the patience to know there’s perfect timing for everything and the wisdom not to rush it.

I realized I’m tired to fight against life, to live in resistance. I used to refuse to believe I am where I am. I still struggle with that, but I’m not empowering it as much as I did. A little piece of me would die every time I’d see friends traveling, working meaningfully, having loads of fun. But then I realized I’m only hurting myself comparing my journey to their journey. What makes my journey so special is the fact that is my journey and only mine. Is like Jon Krakauer said it Into the Wild,

[…] nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.’

And maybe I am a wanderer and I’m just ignoring this voice. Maybe I’m not and that is the voice of anxiety telling me I’m not where I’m supposed to be. It doesn’t matter at the end of the day. I’ll figure it out when the time comes.

The idea is to stop comparing yourself to others. Being a copycat of other’s experiences is not the path to genuine long-lasting happiness. There’s nothing wrong with an ordinary life, or an extraordinary life. What’s wrong is to live a life that’s borrowed.

Gabby Berstein once said ‘’Honor the moments in our life that are the most uncomfortable because they reveal to us the light we’re ready to step into.’ And I felt that.

Honor your experience. Honor the place you are now in your life. Honor yourself. It comes with so much peace. That’s the place where the magic happens. Selectively collect your memories. Decide what you want to put in the box.

I decided to consider this year my greatest year so far. I decided to honor the pain I went through and love the process. This year gave me so much more than what it took away from me.

I don’t know for how long this clarity will last, but I’m enjoying every second of it. It’s juicy and I love it. When the clouds decide to come again, I know it just reminisces me of my reptilian brain. I know it’s not real. I’m not supposed to live in survival mode 24/7.

Living in joy, courage, and abundance is our birthright. I’ll work every day towards it no matter how hard it is, or how long it takes. I don’t know a lot of things, but for sure I’m excited to learn.