How saying 'Fuck it' can make you kinder

I came across this photo today, and it got me thinking. So many times I felt so angry and insulted for the rude treatment I would receive for no reason. But I kept my rage inside. Never displayed it. I would either leave the conversation or would apologise — God knows for what. But, day by day, the anger would pile up. Would simmer in silence. And at some point, it would burst. The next course of action would be me blaming myself for not being able to control the rage. Fuck it. Then, I would blame the person, in the silence of my mind, of course, for putting me in this situation.

For the sake of compassion and self-love, I would give myself another chance saying ‘Hey, it’s okay. Feel your feelings, spill out and cleanse. Next time you’ll know better, and the following even more. Give yourself time.’ And I would shake hands with myself, make peace and move forward. Most of the times, I would go and apologise to the other person. They would say ‘Hey, we all have demons inside.’

Two years ago, a question that would give me a hard time rose up in my troubled mind.

When somebody is rude with you, is kindness considered a weakness in their eyes? To gain their respect should you answer back and give them a taste of their own medicine?

‘Fuck this shit, man. I’m just gonna go there and tell her to fuck off and get a life. I’m nobody’s crap sack.’ The next day, I would show up pumped up and decided like never before to tell her off. Guess what happened? Nothing. I couldn't say a word. Gosh, I was so mad at myself. 'You like big words, but got no balls for them. You deserve this.' Days were passing by, I would notice how immune she is to her own poison.

I would ask around, people would tell me ‘I don’t know, do whatever feels right for you. You know it already.’ God-damn you woke af people if I knew I wouldn’t freaking ask you, for banana’s sake. Thanks for nothing. And I would sit and think, and overthink and get angry for not knowing what the right thing to do is. The leitmotif of my life revolving around the right thing to do, to say, to feel, to think, to exhale, inhale, walk, drink water, eat, dance, dress, exist. As you might guess, it definitely was not an easy task for me.

Then, one good morning, I woke up and reminiscing the tears I swallowed trying so hard to figure it out, these words came to me.

‘Everyone is fighting their own battle. Let people feel their feelings. Don’t make them about you. They are coping with pain the best they can. You’ve been rude and hard on people too. How did you feel then? Did you enjoy it? Did you feel proud of yourself for it? Now think how did you feel when people were kind to you? You have no control on the outside. How can you possibly have control over something you don’t even have access to. You can hardly control yourself, and you have access to everything you are. It’s about what YOU put in the universe. It’s about what you take on yourself. It’s about what YOU chose to do next.’

It’s definitely not a piece of cake, easy peasy lemon squeezy to be kind when they throw shit at you. And it's gonna take a while to get used to it. There will be moments when you’re gonna be so angry, done with all this peace and kindness bullshit, you’ll say fuck it and fight back. That’s okay. You already know that’s not who you are. And you will gently come back home to your heart. More wise, more loving, less judgemental. Allow that person to experience what’s there to experience. They’ve been hindered enough. That’s how they got here in the first place. And you know it because you’ve been hindered too.

Self-esteem being strongly correlated with compassion and respect, somehow I think self-esteem and kindness are directly proportional. The more confident we feel, the more comfortable we are with being kind towards the others. When we don't know who we are it's hard not to identify with what people tell us we are. In those moments vulnerability seems worthless and a weakness. But when we start being aware of our boundaries — that fine line between who we are and who they tell us we are — vulnerability suddenly means courage and an open heart.

The growth will never cease. When you think, you finally learned how to be kind, how to be centred, how to be who you want to be, life will come around like 'Hey, there. That padmasana looks sooo good. I assume you've been practising, huh? Oh, you were meditating? Here, take some real-life experience. You can thank me later. See ya.'

In the end, there's so right or wrong answer to that. It really is how those woke af people would tell me. 'I don’t know, do whatever feels right for you. You know it already.’ We have everything we need inside, all we have to do is look.

We are not born nefarious. We are born love. Our purpose here is not to learn HOW to be love, is to remember that being love is in our nature.